reasons to live.

bismillah assalamualaikum hi everyone (incase someone actually following updates here) welcome back to me and to you!!

wow im going to post something today? sksksd i thought my next post gonna be like another 6 months at least.

today was exceptional. well, i guess i got more emotion now because im entering my 20s? or nah its just me lol. ((was i trynna pin to something else for the reason im being emotional? yess))

i was sad today, for no reason at all. i just feel like i dont deserve to be on earth anymore. its just the day where the smallest but the shittest thing happened and i felt this way. i probably need to get closer to Allah. i wanted to talk to someone about this, but it makes me scared it people gonna know about it later. yeah, trust issues. even with my fam. being the youngest with no one above you that youre close to is kinda depressing no cap. if i ever did the depression test rn, i probably will get locked up at the psychiatric ward lmao. do i ever feel like jumping the building? yes. do i ever thing im not worth it? yes. well, this is probably common. but, do you guys also feel like k1illing someone just like me? :exit emote:

things that keep me sane; well, alhamdulillah i actually found something that could keep me at ease,, at least for certain amount of time. ((bruh im actually thinking im wasting my time rn here because tons of assgmt are waiting)) but nah, i kinda feel like coming back to blogging is kinda help me to live rn. instead of talking to someone that might judge you. am i thinking of creating another blogspot so no one knows its me? yes. so this might be my last posting here before i create another acc to keep me anonymous. another thing that keep me sane, gonna be cringe.. but listen its not just their appearance, songs and etc. its the message they carry every time there are new contents (songs, movies etc). yes, it is a kpop group. and the only one and forever will be the one for me; BTS gonna learn hangul next semester break, just like how i planned for my 1st semester break but nothing was accomplish. well, again back to the topic. how am i gonna relate this stuff with the topic? here it is. remember i told you that i was so sad today? and one of the thing that kept me sane is the Tannies? ((i was really being su1c1d4l just now no joke)) i won a freaking album giveaway. the way i wanted to buy their past albums so freaaaaaaaaaaking bad. i end up by winning one of it ;A; i was forreal happy that i win it and here i am typing to tell yall the story. first reason, their album are not cheap. second reason, i have no reasons to buy it anyway. i still can keep my fangirling toned down.. lmao im gonna see the ophthalmologists tmrw, dang it they will know i cried my eyes off today

at the end of the day, everyone's feeling of being sad is SO valid that you dont have to think the way im thinking rn. because look, how much (okay imma be real here) God actually loves me when im being the S word. its okay to be sad, its okay to not be okay. i hope everyone in the world will actually encounter things like i did just now. how the smallest things could turn you upside down and how thing move so fast that you dont have to feel sad anymore. get it? 

Still Ramadhan Kareem everyone.

signing out. 

i needed this

The last draft I wrote was on 26 April 2019. Good thing I only wrote 'assalammualaikum'. Well, here we go again.

Bismillah, assalammualaikum everyone.

Certain things I need to get rid off today. Firstly, how is it being young and well educated when giving opinion to adults is rude? and secondly, what does make she deserved that? These things is on my mind for the rest of my life I've been living. It's personal so I won't elaborate more. I am here just for ME to stay sane.

I could never understands how 'they' think I am being rude when the stuff I am talking is something that is against them? Which is making them feel wronged but things twisted when they 'fire' back at me for being rude to the so called adults. Maybe, that is why I fated to be in Law School so at least my arguments in court wouldn't be turned to 'eh kau biadap eh dengan orang tua' as to win on their side. Ok dah rilek kejap. Saying stuff with emotion is not valid with the people I'm around with lol. The stuff she's been doing is not enough to get whatever she is at right now. She's obtaining stuff while taking advantages on people. Smart I would say. As the matter of fact, I deserved more. I achieved more. Some kind of I'm still a kid isn't the reason I want to listen these days. Because I am not a kid anymore. Even that freaking probably the proudest thing you had right now ALSO, isn't what you solely work by yourself. I know those facts. Don't deny. I really hope one day, I will achieve those with my SOLELY hard work. well, to shove it on your face and said that you didn't had these stuff last time on your own, you took advantages on people you probably loved the most. Being the '---' does not make everything you said is right, stuff you did is right and taking advantages on people is right. Just so you know, sometimes you're INVALID, I would say MOST of the time. I will go above you when I have everything, and I will have EVERYTHING. If Allah wills. 

That's all for now. I hope I won't flip later.

Ramadhan Mubarak.